What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 23:43
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why cant a narcissist admit when they are wrong?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So, i spoilt her more .
I don,t even have a pension.
Why do some people have sex with dogs?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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I was scared of men, in general
She found it foreign!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Corrupti suscipit aliquid odit totam.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
What made you recently say to yourself, “Wait. Really?”
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
It was going to be , some day.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Put me off passion for life!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
How was cancer treatment different in the US and the UK?
She wouldn,t have been !
What did i know ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ive learnt so much.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Was to survive, this bastard.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My life is so biszare .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
When she asked me how she looked .
She married twice! .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But it wasn’t much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Would this be the day?
She loved him until the end.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was in good health!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I will be 64.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I write beautiful poetry .
One cannot live in the past .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were not on the streets..
I was very sick at this time too.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im still living with it.
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was seconnd youngest,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
This is soul school!.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I said to her
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
I think the readers, may guess!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Who then, do I blame.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I never cut or harmed myself..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
(And it was in our own minds.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
All the time i was locked up.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But, we were locked up after school.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Comes on , in middle age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I waited trembling.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And i lived it daily.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So whats the point in blame.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I have no regrets .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He knew the spot.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He resisted the act ,that day.